un coeur et une tête

Year 21: 21 Lessons I Learned in “Suffermore” Year

1.         I should accept the fact that I will never know myself or who I am.  That’s the point of being alive, I guess—to learn about ourselves and what our purpose in life is.  I will get to know more about myself as time goes on and I get older, but of course, with time comes change and there will be more and more that I will have to unearth and dig out in this life long excavation trip into self-awareness.  There’s no point in pretending like I’m a grown up who understands myself.  I expect that even when I’m 80 (well, if I get there), I’ll probably feel like a long lost tweener who is clueless on how to walk the middle school hallways.

2.         Along the same lines, I understand that perfect cannot exist, in life or art.  We can define marks to hit, little steps that will keep a forward moving momentum in things, but having a definite goal to reach becomes dangerous and eventually dull.  Things crumble when they’re poked at over and over again if it’s already perfect, and there is always room to grow and change.

3.         If in doubt, breathe.

4.         Use your whole damn body if you can, or else you’ll be a lifeless, limp body onstage.  actually, this applies to real life too…no one wants to see an awkward body moving in space ever.

5.         If I stop whining and complaining about a mountain of work and just do it, it’ll probably be much less painful than the anticipation and anxiety of a crushing workload.

6.         If in doubt, breathe.

7.         I need to audition more just for the sake of auditioning.  I’m completely out of practice.

8.         I need to be a vigilant hard ass on myself in terms of memorizing.  Actually, I need to be more strict about being on top of my work.  I’m still slightly addicted to my procrastinator old ways.  Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator.

9.         If in doubt, breathe.

10.        Balance is key.  If I must split my time between multiple tasks, I need to manage my time in order to keep the scale from tipping.

11.        But seriously, sometimes I need to forget about balancing everything and just prioritize.  If I’m more honest to myself about what I feel is most important, I’ll probably be more happy when I’m trying to get through a laundry list of a bajillion gazillion things to do.

12.        If in doubt, breathe.

13.        I can get away from abusing my body in the short term…but it’s impossible to hide it from the world if it’s longer than a week.  A physically exhausted mind and body is not attractive or fun to be around.

14.        Be efficient…unless you’re still getting the hang of something you are far from mastering, then take all the time in the world to do something perfectly.  But other than that, be efficient and use time and resources wisely.  Time is money, and well, all resources have a monetary value that deplete over time.

15.        If in doubt, breathe.

16.        Be polite and civil, but honest.  The world has far too many passive aggressive people trying to save face for me to need to join the pack.  The world would be a better place if we said what we felt and thought, but from an open empathetic perspective.  BUT, always remember to have tact when speaking honestly.

17.        There is nothing wrong with the fact that I would like to take my music as seriously as acting.  It doesn’t make me less of an actor nor does it make me less of a singer.  I do need to accept, thought, that there will be times when one of the two will take precedence over my life, depending on what I am doing in life.

18.        If in doubt, breathe.

19.        Be a good company member.  Appreciate each and every person, even if I’m frustrated with them.  I’ll never know their whole story, even if I’m one of their best friends here, so it’s no use judging them when I could be supporting them.  But it’s also ok to say I need a break from them and need to get away.  It’s unhealthy to be so dependent on a group of people, especially young, temperamental artists.

20.        Don’t get sucked into negative mob energy.  Absorb positive group energy, but reject anything less than that.  I’ll lose myself if I let such a negative force affect me.  It’s important to be part of a group, but not to lose my individuality when I find myself in the company of such strong and powerful types of people.  Lose myself and risk losing all the clarity I have the ability to find in my work.

21.        BREATHE.  I should be proud of making it halfway through.  A year ago, I thought I wasn’t cut out for this.  But I surprised myself and soldiered on.  I deserve to breathe.  If I don’t do it now, who knows when I’ll have time to next…so before the next 4 months are over, and the second half of my experience in this program continues, I’ll take some time to breathe.

stumbled upon the cinderella effect while researching on the “wicked stepmother” prototype for dionyza

Fascinating.

Psychology…Science can be so interesting.

Why is it so awful in school?!!?!

the best part of being in the bfa acting program here?

you bust your effing ass the whole semester physically and emotionally and have super long days full of academic classes, bfa core, and rehearsals….

and no one but your peers gets your pain and they don’t have any sympathy for you

BUT then finals times rolls around and everyone around you starts panicking and studying way late and whatnot…and you can just sit there and go “SUCK ETT BITCHES.  I almost killed myself this semester trying to juggle everything, but now I only have one or two finals that I have to worry about and you’re stuck with a final for every class you’re enrolled in.”

hahahahahahaha

weeeee. classes are ovahhhh.

BASICALLY. i just have music stuff to attend to.

and now I have all the time in the world to finally fix up my apartment and practice and read for as long as i want.